After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize