He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
