don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
