dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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