I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
