Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
