I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
