I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
