I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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