Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
