I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
