dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
