i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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