you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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