Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
