Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
