I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
