if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
