Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
