so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
