I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
