I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
