That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
