she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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