No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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