Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
