I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
you made out with another girl for some wings
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
