I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize