i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
