am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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