They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You need Xanax blowdarts
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Randomize
