dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
