I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize