Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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