3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
