guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
