i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
