Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
