I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
