I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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