I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
