I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
