i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
