how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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