I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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