We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
