it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
