Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
