take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I party with great urgency now.
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