I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
