My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
