I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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