Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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