I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
