For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
