First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
