If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
